Scoop Bucket

As I sit here alone at home I have plenty of time to think. The reason I am home alone is that my fiance and kids were invited over to a friends for hanging out and a late dinner. They have been gone since around 3:30 or so.  I was not invited because last year I started getting involved with my fiance’s friend. Her and I used to go back and forth with sexual play via texts, emails, and social networks. When she finally got it into her head that I had feelings for her she wanted nothing to do with me. She just wanted sex.

Now, let me tell you. I am the fall guy because I did not go and out everything that took place. We never actually got to have sex, but not because we weren’t going to. We just didn’t have enough time to make it happen. I decided to just take the bad reputation and let her live life with her husband all while he knows absolutely nothing about what took place. My fiance on the other hand found out alot. Not everything, but alot. The only reason that had me considering cheating on her is because of the 6 years of neglect I felt she has given me. I still love her more than anyone, but I just want someone who will return that love. My fiance would rather play video games, or hang out with other people than spend a quiet night at home with me watching a movie.

I guess I just told you some of the reason why I am shitty and depressed lately. I have been all my life, but this is the most recent thing keeping me down.

What you readers see is that I am an abrasive asshole who probably deserves something horrible to happen to him. But in actuality I am a good guy. I want things to happen, and I know that so many people on this planet are just selfish son of a bitches. I have always had a kind heart, just not anyone who has received my goodwill really deserved it. I always gave without asking what I was going to receive. You can only do that for so many years in your life before you actually start wanting desperately to receive something back.

One of the things I want that I see nobody else doing is to help out people who are struggling. I have been in the situation all of my life and if I was ever rich I would make it my devotion to stop it from happening. I would call up utility companies and offer to pay bills in peoples names who are 3 months late and about to be turned off. I would setup homeless shelters that are open year round rather than ones that open in late August and close in April. I used to be homeless and that was the same situation I faced.

I see celebrities on tv and in magazines who give millions in aide to other countries. I always wonder “what about this country?”. Why the hell would you forego helping your own people in order to help other countries? Angelina Jolie should visit the poorest neighborhoods in Chicago if she wants to see starving children. With all the attention going elsewhere, there is a need here at home and I wish I could fullfill it. I am just struggling myself.

If I had $50,000 I can transform that fund into $50,000,000 in no time. It simply takes knowledge which I have plenty of. I just lack the credit and cash to make it happen. Shit I can barely pay my own utility bills. I have to save up to be poor. If you are unaware, financial problems are always the biggest factor in relationships failing and families being separated.

I have taken alot and placed it on my shoulders. When I was younger I just knew I would be rich when I grew up. When I saw things crumbling around me, and my dad started hitting my mom I felt a need to make my plans happen much faster. I thought that if our bills were paid and we had no worries then we would be a happy family. The truth is, it most likely would have fixed things. Instead, I watched as my parents got divorced.

Today, I may be an asshole who blames the whole world for fucking up my life, but I am also the same person who wishes that hate would vanish; wars would cease; people would all have the right to go on vacation; bills get paid; everyone had a roof over their head… I just hope that I am able to follow through on my aspirations before I take my own life.